Patchy Game!
by Hoogiman
Summary: By Tiki and me. What EXCITING adventures do the Smashers have? Link tries online dating! Peach's cat is missing! Kirby plays Frogger! WILL WE EVER GIVE THIS STORY A CONCLUSION? Read to find out.
1. Chapter 1

**THE PATCHY GAME!**

Note by Tiki:

In case anyone's interested, we (Hoogiman and Tikitikirevenge) wrote this story together. We each took turns to write for three minutes, usually stopping midsentence.  
Wait, you don't care. Well, the point is, this makes us somehow loads better than you.  
Right.

Oh, and we don't actually own any of the characters here. Neither do you, probably (if you're reading this Nintendo SELL MARIO TO ME!).

* * *

**1**

* * *

"The Smash Mansion is a really _Smashy Mansion_!" said Mario in a high-pitched voice.

All the kids laughed.

"Hey," said Zelda, walking into the room. "Playing with the kids?"

"I am-a telling them the jokes," said Mario.

"Ah, right," said Zelda.

"I make a joke about-a you, Zelda," said Mario.

"You did?" said Zelda, slightly offended.

"Yeah," said Popo. "He said you were about as useful as-"

"I have to go-a!" exclaimed Mario, running from the room.

Everyone exchanged glances.

"What does that word mean, anyway?" said Popo.

"Back to playing boring old video games," said Young Link. "Okay, guys, Pong or Ultimate Explosion Arena 4?"

"…" said the other kids.

Zelda smiled a bit, she thought the kids were cute when they were playing. "Hey," she interrupted, "has anyone seen Donkey Kong?"

"No," said Popo.

"No, said Ness.

"Nooooooooooooooooooo…" said Kirby.

Zelda stared blankly.

"Uh… Pong," said Kirby.

"Well anyway," said Zelda, "I made these Hyrulian treats for you! Want one?"

Everyone gave glances of shock to each other.

"Uh… heh heh," laughed Popo, "No thanks…"

"Why not?" asked Zelda, surprised, "I thought you said you liked my treats…"

"Well, I do!" said Popo.

"Then why aren't you having any?"

Popo chuckled uncertainly.

"What I mean is… uh…"

Popo looked at the open fifth storey window.

_"I can end all of this now, ALL OF IT!"_ thought Popo.

"Uh…"

Popo started to sweat.

"Well…"

Popo jumped out of the window, crushing himself to death.

"Uh… Pong," said Kirby.

* * *

**Later…**

"Why doesn't anyone like my cooking?" asked Zelda to herself. "I mean, the people in Hyrule think it's good!"

Zelda looked at Peach's cat.

"Well, I guess Peach's cat will appreciate my cooking," said Zelda, offering the cookie to Peach's cat.

The cat took the cookie, and started chewing on it.

"Good cat…" said Zelda, stroking the cat.

The cat broke its teeth on the cookie.

"We'll just keep this our secret," whispered Zelda.

The cat swallowed the cookie.

"See? Someone appreciates my cooking," said Zelda. She looked out of the window. In the distance, a plane was doing the can-can.

Zelda looked back down and noticed that Peach's cat was now lying on its back. It had turned green, and foam was coming out of its mouth, and there were large metal spikes coming out of its ears.

"Oh, no!" said Zelda. "My cooking killed Peach's cat!" She looked around frantically, and then ran out.

The cat lay still.

Peach walked in. "Hi, cat!" she said.

The cat did not respond.

"Hi, cat!" said Peach.

Zelda snuck back in, grabbed the cat, and ran out.

"Hi, cat!" said Peach.

* * *

"You know what this place needs?" said Link. "We need a proper race track. For horse racing. I can race with horses."

"You know what?" said Marth. "You're boring. Everybody hates you. No wonder you don't have any fangirls."

"Hey," said Link, angrily, "I have fangirls!"

"Oh really?" asked Marth, smirking.

"Of course!" boasted Link, "In fact, there is an **internet website** about me!"

Link beamed proudly because of his obvious computer skills.

"Wow, really? That's great!" replied Marth sarcastically, "Wow, I wish I could have as many fans as you!"

"I win!" said Link, posting his tongue out.

"That was sarcasm."

"Oh."

"Well," said Marth, "I have websites on the internet which link to websites which link to websites full of websites full of links to Marth fan clubs!"

Link stared in amazement.

"Well… uh… I have a cute chick! You can see her right here!"

Link pointed to a poster on the wall.

"That's Samus," said Marth.

"Yeah… well, she's dating me," said Link.

"Should I tell her you said that?" said Marth.

"No! NO!" Link raised his hands in surrender, genuine fear on his features. "I'm sorry, I was lying. You're right. I don't have a romantic interest. Aside from Zelda-"

"Cough, cough, me," coughed Marth coughingly.

"…yeah, well…"

Marth stared at Link.

Link burst into tears. "I'm a failure!" he cried. "What have I ever done with my life? Sure, I've been in the Smash Bros tournaments; sure, I've saved the world, but… but…" He choked on his tears.

"There, there," said Marth, edging away slightly, "I'm sure you'll eventually find love – hey, that gives me an idea…"

Marth gave a big grin.

"I'm going to get you a date!" said Marth.

"You mean… like… the ones you eat?" replied Link.

…

…

…

Silence.

…

…

"Are you trying to be funny, or are you just a sheer idiot?" asked Marth, sighing.

Link stared blankly.

"What do you mean?" asked Link.

"A date?"

"I like eating dates?"

"NO! A **date** sort of date. You know, go-out sort of dates?" replied Marth, starting to become desperate.

"Oh, you mean those travel packages of dates that you can take on planes?" asked Link, smiling.

"GDSUYFGREUIYSGHFWUIEHFUIESUHUIHUIHNBUYVTYCTYV!1" screamed Marth, ripping Link to threads with his sword, stabbing his lung with his foot.

"Argh! The pain!" yelped Link. "I'm dying!"

"Oops," said Marth, "I guess I got a bit carried away."

"Yeah, you did, didn't you?" said Link, annoyed.

"Well, sorry," said Marth. "So have I just murdered you?"

"More like manslaughter," said Link. "But that's okay, I have a fairy in a bottle!"

"What?" said Marth.

"Fairies make everything better!" said Link. He reached into his tunic and pulled out a little glowing fairy.

"Give me _life_!" said Link.

The fairy looked at him weirdly, magically healed his wounds, and then ran away really, really quickly.

Marth wiped sweat off his brow. "Thank goodness you didn't end up dying," he said.

"No problem," said Link. "Just don't do that again."

"So anyway," said Marth, "about getting you a date-"

"No thanks," said Link, "I've already eaten."

Marth gave Link a look.

"What?" said Link.

"Mario, do you think my cat is still alive? I can't find her," said Peach.

"Oh-a," replied Mario, "You mean-a like the dead one that Zelda was dragging around that was green, and there were maggots eating out all of the flesh from its skull, and did I-a mention it was dead? Because your **cat is dead**. And if you-a didn't hear me the first time, your cat has been poisoned to death and now it's being eaten by maggot, because **it is dead**!1"

…

…

Silence.

…

…

"No?" asked Peach, "I'll go ask Zelda then."

Mario sighed.

"The wonders of internet dating," said Marth, "You can find all sorts of females online!"

"Uh, okay," said Link.

"First," said Marth, handing the mouse over to Link, "you have to say what sex you are."

"Male," echoed Link, clicking it.

"Then click on how old you are," said Marth.

"Yep," said Link, clicking. "Hey, this is pretty easy!"

"That's right!" said Marth. "It's as easy as clicking a button!"

"It _is_ clicking a button," pointed out Link.

"That was a joke," said Marth dryly.

"Ah," said Link. "That makes sense, I guess."

"Okay," said Marth. "Now, you're looking for a girl, right?"

"Uh, I guess," said Link.

"So click on that," said Marth. "Now what species are you after?"

"Species?" said Link.

"You know, human, hero, ogre, talking space animal, puffball Pokemon, broccoli…" said Marth.

"Uh, something that talks?" said Link.

"Ooh, aren't we classy," said Marth, clicking, 'all'.

"Uh… was that the right thing that you did there?" asked Link.

"Computers are designed by smart people," replied Marth.

"I guess you can't beat that logic!" said Link.

Marth clicked the mouse a few times.

"I'm making your account now!" said Marth, "In a few minutes, there will be heaps of ladies just **begging **to go out with you!"

"Wow, this sounds like fun!" said Link.

* * *

"Aww… my cat's dead!" cried Peach.

Zelda walked into Peach's room.

"Uh… Peach…" said Zelda, blatantly lying, "here's your '**real cat'**."

"Really?" said Peach.

Zelda handed a mop to Peach.

"My cat!" said Peach. "You found it!"

"Yes," said Zelda.

"Why does it look like a mop?" said Peach.

"Uh, you're wearing a very pretty dress today," said Zelda.

"Oh, thank you!" said Peach. "I like compliments!"

Zelda left.

Peach hugged the mop. "I'm going to show you to _everyone_!" she said happily.

* * *

"Stupid game," said Kirby, jabbing at the controls. "This is so intense."

"Having trouble with your aim?" said Popo, who was holding another controller.

"It's just so hard to move the stick right," said Kirby.

A little beep sounded.

"Okay, Popo wins!" said Young Link. "It's my turn to verse him!"

"Stupid Pong…" said Kirby. "I don't understand the strategy."

DK and Mario walked in.

"Hey, it's Mario and Donkey Kong!" said Kirby.

"More like, Mario and Donkey _Pong_," laughed Nana.

Everyone looked at her.

"I hate you all," said Nana, sulking.

"Hey-a kids!" said Mario. "I'm-a just coming in to give you this freebie that I won from my-a sponsors!"

Mario gave them the freebie.

"Yay!" said Kirby.

"Yay!" said Popo.

"Yay!" said Ness.

"Yay!" said Young Link.

"THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!" screamed all of the kids in unison.

…

…

Silence.

…

"What does it do?" asked Kirby.

"It's a new game!" replied Mario. "It's called: Frogger!"

Everyone cheered.

"Yay… more like… uh… Neigh!" laughed Nana.

Everyone looked at her.

"I hate you all," said Nana, sulking.

Mario and Donkey Kong walked out of the room.

"That felt good," said Donkey Kong.

"That is-a what charity is all about!" said Mario. "Now we have-a given gifts to the kids, so we just have to worry about the adults!"

"Yep," said DK.

They continued to walk.

"Hey, why are we doing this again?" said DK.

"You already know-a," said Mario, "so I don't need to say out loud."

* * *

"Hey! You have mail!" said Marth.

"Oh! Already?" said Link excitedly.

"Yep," said Marth.

Link clicked at the screen, and a window popped out. "Hmm…" said Link, "I have received an 'offer' from the dating site? What does that mean?"

Marth clicked on it. "Hey, someone wants to date you – and it's even a girl!"

"Wow!" said Link. "A real girl?"

Marth looked at Link weirdly. "You've never dated anyone before?"

Link shrugged.

"Ever had a crush?" said Marth.

"Like orange crush?" said Link.

Marth pulled out his sword and stabbed link several times in the hip. He then pulled his knee, forced him to do a backwards flip to land onto his back. He then jumped onto his ribcage several times crushing it, kneed him in the face, bit his arm off, took Link's sword, and stabbed Link in the eye.

"That felt good," said Marth.

"Nooo…" said Link. "I think I'm dying again…"

"Heh," said Marth.

"Why are you laughing at me like this?" said Link angrily.

"Insert punchline here," said Ness.

"WTF?" said someone.

* * *

**THE END**

Of chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

**THE PATCHY GAME!**

* * *

Note by Tiki: 

In case anyone's interested, we (Hoogiman and Tikitikirevenge) wrote this story together. We each took turns to write for three minutes, usually stopping midsentence.

Wait, you don't care. Well, the point is, this makes us somehow loads better than you.

Right.

Oh, and we don't actually own any of the characters here. Neither do you, probably (if you're reading this Nintendo SELL MARIO TO ME!).

* * *

**2**

* * *

"Okay," said Zelda. "I've checked upstairs, I've checked downstairs, I've even checked midstairs…" 

She waited for Mario to laugh.

"Wasn't that funny?" she said, after a few seconds.

"No-a," said Mario.

"Well, I'm desperate," she said. "Do you have any idea where Donkey Kong or Fox are?"

"Afraid-a not," said Mario.

Kirby walked into the room carrying a large bun that was, coincidentally, about the size of Fox.

"Hi, Kirby," said Zelda, "would _you_ happen to have seen DK or Fox?"

"Noooooo…" said Kirby.

"Help!" said the sandwich.

"Shut up, _sandwich_," said Kirby.

"Oh, okay," said the sandwich.

"Hmm," said Zelda. "Well, if you see them, tell them I'm looking for them."

"…kay," said Kirby. "Uh, gee tee gee."

"What?" said Zelda.

"Got to go?" said Kirby.

"Right," said Zelda.

"Help!" said the sandwich.

Kirby ran.

* * *

"Hello, lost and found?" asked Peach on the telephone. 

Nothing happened.

"Hello, lost and found?" asked Peach on the telephone.

Mario walked in.

"Why isn't anything happening?" asked Peach.

"Is it-a because the phone isn't plugged in, you are holding-a phone the wrong way or-a you have not dialled a number at all?" replied Mario.

Peach checked.

"All three," said Peach.

Peach plugged in the phone and dialled a number.

"Hello, lost and found?" asked Peach on the telephone.

"Yes?" replied a voice.

"Do you know where my cat is?" asked Peach.

"Where was the last time you saw your cat?"

"Well, Puddykins was borrowed by the janitor, and I haven't seen him since!" cried Peach.

"Is it because your cat isn't a cat, and really a broom?" asked the voice on the other end.

"Don't be silly!" said Peach. "Of course he's a cat! I have a photo of us together to prove it!"

Mario glanced over Peach's shoulder at the photo of Peach and the broom.

"Walk away-a, Mario," he muttered to himself, walking away.

"Um, okay," said the person on the other end. "We can put out posters. What does he look like?"

"Well, uh," said Peach, "he's got these white dangly bits-"

"Like a tail?" said the person, sounding annoyed.

"Yeah, I think," said Peach. "Lots of white dangly bits, a bit black because he's been getting all dirty, and he has a big wooden handle."

There was a pause on the other end of the line.

"A _handle_?" repeated the voice on the other end.

"Duh, a handle," said Peach. "So can you find him, _please_?"

"…that's a mop you're talking about," said the other person.

"Don't be stupid! I'm a princess!" said Peach. "Princesses are too good for mops!"

"Your cat is a mop," repeated the voice flatly.

"Nu-uh," said Peach.

"Uh-huh."

"Nu-uh," said Peach.

"Uh-huh."

"Nu-uh," said Peach.

"Uh-huh."

"Nu-uh," said Peach.

"Uh-huh."

"Nu-uh," said Peach.

"Uh-huh."

Peach hung up.

* * *

Marth walked up to Link. 

"Ready for the big date?" asked Marth.

"Uh… I guess," said Link, nervously, wearing a tux.

"Are you already wearing your tux?" asked Marth, "It's three in the afternoon!"

"I'm just getting prepared," said Link.

"Really, you think you'll get lucky tonight?" asked Marth, smirking, nudging Link.

"That is rude!" said Link, "Don't talk about my date like that! What's her name?"

"Ji- uh… Jill, yes, Jill," said Marth, laughing.

Roy walked in, laughing.

"Has Link found out about that prank yet?" laughed Roy.

"What prank?" asked Link.

"Uh… uh… uh… uh…" said Roy.

A truck drove in the middle of Roy and Link. Roy grabbed onto it, and rode away.

"What was that all about?" said Link.

Marth snickered. "Don't worry. I'm sure you and 'Jill' will get on just fine. She's just your _type_, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, good," said Link. "Thanks, Marth, you're a great friend."

Marth burst into laughter and ran out.

* * *

"Pikia pi pi," said Pikachu. What he actually meant was "Hey, there," but he was a Pokemon, and everyone knows that Pokemon talk weird because they're _weird_, so that's what he said. 

"Hey, yourself," said Jigglypuff. She glanced at Pikachu. "Did that feel insulting?"

"No, not really," said Pikachu. "Should I feel insulted?"

"Hmm… I guess so," said Jigglypuff. "Maybe I should work on my insultiness."

"Whatcha doing?" said Pikachu.

Jigglypuff pointed at a computer screen. "I've just gotten an online date. Marth and Roy recommended me."

"Oh, okay," said Pikachu. "Who?"

"Some random dude pretending to be a flashy swordsman," said Jigglypuff, "probably just some Psyduck."

* * *

"I ordered you a taxi," laughed Roy, pointing outside, "Have fun, loverboy!" 

"Oh, I sure will!" said Link.

Link looked at Marth and Roy.

"Why are you snickering?" asked Link.

"Er… not because we set you up on a date with Jig-" said Marth.

Roy covered Marth's mouth.

"Go!" said Marth, "Go get her!"

* * *

Jigglypuff and Link were standing together, waiting for their taxis. 

"Where are you going out tonight?" asked Link.

"On a date," said Jigglypuff, "With y-"

"Oh, that's really sweet!" said Link, "Aww… do Pokemons have dates too?"

Link muttered under his breath, "Ha, Pokemon dates, what stupid idiots. Haha, who would go on a date with a Pokemon?"

"You," laughed Jigglypuff.

"Haha, don't be silly," said Link.

"I'm not being silly!" said Jigglypuff. "You're going on a date with a Pokemon tonight?"

"Hey," said Link. "That's not really very funny. Not funny at all."

"It's the truth!" said Jigglypuff.

"I bet Marth and Roy told you to say that, just to make me feel like a complete idiot, when actually I'm going on a date with someone who's really hot," said Link.

"No," said Jigglypuff. "Marth and Roy set me up for a date with you!"

"Don't be ridiculous," said Link.

"Okay," said Jigglypuff. "But it's tru-"

"I _said_…" said Link.

* * *

"Lalalala," said Kirby. 

"Hi again, Kirby," said Zelda.

Kirby was in the room with a huge sandwich. Which was struggling.

"Weird," said Zelda. "Hey, Kirby, have you seen Fox?"

"I'm here!" cried the sandwich.

"Shut up, sandwich," said Kirby.

"Yeah," said Zelda, "nobody asked you for your opinion."

"Exactly," said Kirby.

"And as a common sandwich," Zelda added, "you should address me as 'Your Majesty'."

Kirby nodded.

* * *

"Got a new job, eh?" asked Ganondorf. 

"Yep, I got a new job at the new restaurant downtown as a waiter," said Bowser.

"Cool, I also got a new job as a reporter for a Super Smash Brothers gossip magazine!" said Ganondorf.

"Cool," said Bowser. "Hey! You could write a story about me being a waiter and all, and it would be related too, because we can spy on Jigglypuff's date, and Link's date."

"Oh, the gossip!" laughed Ganondorf.

* * *

"Zelda, I'm serious! It's us! Fox and Donkey Kong! In a sandwich! And Kirby's trying to eat us! It's really us! Help us Zelda!" said the sandwich. 

"Er… you want a bite?" asked Kirby.

Zelda picked up the sandwich, and took a big bite.

"Ow! My leg!" said Fox.

"That's weird," said Zelda. "What kind of sandwich is this?"

"Uh… an… apple sandwich," said Kirby. "With ketchup."

"Right…" said Zelda.

Silence.

"Funny," said Zelda, "this doesn't taste much like apple with ketchup at all. It's almost a bit like… hmm… flesh."

"How would you know what flesh tastes like?" said Kirby.

"I eat people alive," said Zelda.

"Ah," said Kirby.

"Wait…" said Zelda. "Could it be… Fox and DK inside the sandwich?"

"YES!" shouted the sandwich, in a way suspiciously reminiscent of Fox and Donkey Kong.

"No, of course not, silly," said Kirby.

"But it tastes like people!" said Zelda. "And believe me, I recognise people meat!"

"IT'S NOT PEOPLE MEAT!" shouted Kirby.

"It _is_!" shouted Zelda triumphantly.

"Well, so what if it is?" said Kirby.

"You need more sauce on it," said Zelda. "Then I'd eat it."

"_What?"_ screamed the sandwich.

"Hahaha," laughed Zelda. "Just kidding."

Zelda doubled over in laughter.

Zelda laughed so hard she cried.

Kirby ate the sandwich.

"It seems as if the sandwich was a figure of our imaginations," said Kirby, licking his lips.

"Oh… jolly good," said Zelda.

…

…

"K," said Kirby, walking off.

* * *

"Oh yeah?" said Link angrily, at the restaurant, "Well if you really are my date, then you would be giving me a phone call right now!" 

"Oh yes, that reminds me, I have to call the phone number that my date Instant Messaged me on the internet dating site," said Jigglypuff, taking out her phone.

Jigglypuff called Link.

"Ah, that must be my date!" said Link.

"…" said Jigglypuff, angrily.

Link answered the phone.

"Hello?" said Link.

"…" said Jigglypuff, angrily.

"Hello?" asked Link.

"Hi," said Jigglypuff.

"Who is this?" asked Link.

"Jigglypuff," said Jigglypuff.

"What a funny prank call," said Link.

"IT'S ME YOU MORON!" shouted Jigglypuff. "EVERYONE, LINK IS ON A DATE WITH ME! LAUGH AT HIM!"

Everybody in the restaurant laughed at Link.

"Hey, why are these people laughing at me?"

"_Because you're on a date with a Pokemon, moron!_" shouted someone in the crowd.

"That's right," said Jigglypuff, "like I've been telling you."

"No," said Link, laughing.

"Yes," said a waiter.

"NO!" shouted Link angrily.

"Yes," said a television film crew reporter.

"NOOOOO!" shouted Link furiously.

"It's true," said Jigglypuff.

"No?" said Link, shocked.

"Yep," said Marth and Roy.

"No…" said Link, aghast.

"I luve you!" said a Marth fangirl, to Marth.

"NOOOOOOOO!" said Link, despairing.

"We're on a date together!" said Jigglypuff.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEZZZZZZZZ !1" screamed Link angstily.

"Hey," said Ganondorf, "this is some hot news, eh?"

"Yep," said Bowser. "It makes me glad to be a horrific turtle demon."

"I bet it does," said Ganondorf, rubbing Bowser's shell playfully.

"Oh, you naughty thing," said Bowser.

"Yes," said Ganondorf, suavely.

* * *

**The Next Morning…**

Link was asleep.

"Er…" said Master Hand, floating into Link's room, "You better take a look outside, they're camping on the lawn."

"Who's they?" asked Link.

"The people who camped here last night to make fun of you because you dated a Pokemon," said Master Hand.

"As if, they're probably angry at someone else… for their… bad morals… in water usage… and telephone… ing…"

"Give it a rest," said Master Hand angrily, "Everyone knows you dated Jigglypuff, it's on the front cover of a magazine!"

"That's it!" said Link angrily, "I'm going to prove everyone that I can woo any girl that I want! Then I won't be the laughing stock of the town! Right? Right?"

"Er… yeah…" said Master Hand, obviously lying.

"In fact, I'm going to start right now!" said Link.

"Good lord you suck," said Master Hand.

"Pardon me?" said Link.

"Nothing," said Master Hand.

* * *

"So it looks as if we can't find Fox anywhere," said Zelda. 

"Aw…" said Falco, trying to hide his smile of glee. "I guess he's dead, then. You _definitely_ didn't see him?"

"Yes," said Zelda. "It was horrible. In my panic I imagined that I found him in a sandwich and then I devoured his juicy flesh, bite by bite, moaning softly as I crunched through his **brain**, delighting in the **_feasts of the dead and living flesh_**, and murdering him – _alive_."

"But it was your imagination," said Falco.

"Yes," said Zelda. "Just a nice – I mean, bad dream."

"Okay," said Falco. "Glad to hear it."

He walked off, muttering something about 'Star Falco'.

"Anyway," said Zelda, "so much for my confessing my undying love to DK, as it appears that he has disappeared too."

"Hey," said Mario, "have you seen Fox?"

"No," said Zelda.

"Good," said Mario.

* * *


End file.
